The Oil Slick That Ate Louisiana

If you’ve been reading my blog, you may have deduced that I am quite partial to conspiracy theories and may even be ever so slightly guilty of starting a few.


I don’t deny this, in fact I embrace it. If it wasn’t for folks like me, god only knows what tripe the world would believe in. To put my suspicious mind into perspective, not only do I not believe that man walked on the moon, I do not actually believe there is a moon and before you point out that glowing thing in the night sky, I utter just two words. David and Blain. If he can hang upside down, while setting himself on fire and making love to 12 women simultaneously he can quite easily project his left ass cheek into space.

So can you imagine my delight when BP, allegedly, decided to pump all of their oil into the Gulf of Mexico. A conspiracy theorists dream, the kind that wakes me up at night in a cold sweat.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not taking sides in this. I am quite hairy and I don’t shave my armpits, but I am definitely not a member of Greenpeace, or any other environmental group and in fact I quite like oil, oil is my friend. It makes my car work, it cooks my fries and if it wasn’t for oil, The Sopranos would have just been a bunch of guys having a bad hair day, but having said that I’m also not a fan of BP. I can’t help but think that there is a better way for them to giveaway free oil in an effort to curry favor with their consumers; it isn’t very convenient to have to drive to Louisiana and park my car on a beach somewhere.

So my initial reaction is to not jump on the bandwagon of rationality and blame British Petroleum for the biggest oil slick since, well since the last biggest oil slick.

I could blame the left, another obvious choice. What better way to convince us to drive Flintstone era human powered cars or, gasp, walk. Then again I could blame the right. That’s another easy one. Drive up the price of oil without having to go to war with anyone. I could even blame Bono, after all it’s been five years since he made a charity record and clearly he missed a trick when it came to saving Haiti.

But no, none of the usual suspects are to blame for this balls up.

After viewing countless numbers of satellite pictures over the last few days I can now categorically state, for a fact, that the Catholic Church is indeed the guilty party. How do I know this? Just take a look at this picture and lo and behold, there smack in the middle is Pope Eggs Benedict.

Who else could have pulled off such a stunning PR coup? Who else needs such a stunning PR coup? Now that this news has broken, millions upon millions will flock to the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico to witness this miracle and all of the church’s recent “transgressions” will be forgotten for a hundred years or so.


Don’t forget where you heard it from first!