Performance Enhancing Drugs and Why They Should Be Allowed.

Recently it has come to light that the world and Olympic 400m champion, LaShawn Merrit, tested positive for steroids found in a common penis enlargement product.


Being completely secure in my masculinity and unaware that such products exist or are even needed by men, my first reaction was “You dirty, rotten, cheating bastard!” All I’ve had to impress the opposite sex with was what God gave me. What chance do us “average” guys have in the face of such stiff competition! My second reaction was, “Idiot!” clearly Mr. Merrit has interpreted the phrase performance enhancing drugs, incorrectly. Oh dear, so much for the college scholarship!

It was only after watching a little track and field that it became apparent why poor LaShawn felt the need to self medicate. I will demonstrate by showing a picture of the Italian men’s sprint relay team.

Clearly the inadequacy he felt while lining up next to these Italian stallions was too much to handle. In fact South African sprinter, Caster Semenya, was so humiliated by having to compete against these manly men that he decided the only option left was to become a she.

Personally I believe that the use of penis enlargement products in men’s sprinting, cycling and swimming has reached an epidemic level. I challenge any male to sit through any one of these sporting events and to not wonder, just for a second, that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to open up the junk email folder and do something about the, well err, junk.

Who knows where this pill popping, potion swilling, and needle sticking frenzy will end. Picture if you will, the 2100 Olympics in Kabul, 100m men’s final. There, lined up in the starting blocks, 10 of the worlds “biggest” and most “developed” athletes, the likes of which we have never seen. The gun goes! The crowd explodes! The competitors stand up and it’s over; with one giant thrust of the pelvis.

The only stumbling block I can envisage is whether the advancement of lycra technology and its ability to stretch can keep up with the chemistry.

Of course there are downsides to this type of behavior. Take for example this picture of Bulgarian gymnast, Katarina Ivorbigun at her last competition. Needless to say, the jig is up for Katarina.

Yes, perhaps limit’s do need to put in place, but to me watching a ripped, muscular athlete cross the finish line as their biceps explode, seeing the marathon completed in under 5 minutes or the shot-put replaced with tank throwing is my idea of sport.

Tiger's Wood (If They Could)

I promised myself I was going to steer clear of the whole Tiger Woods debacle, unfortunately my common sense has let me down, again. I was aiming at being invited to the Wood’s family thanksgiving celebrations this year; however now that any further Wood’s family gatherings are looking decidedly unlikely, I decided to give it my best shot.


I’d like to start off by saying that I don’t blame Tiger entirely for the mess his life has become. Let’s face it, if 50,000 people were screaming at me “Get in the hole” I might just for a second or two interpret that in an entirely inappropriate way. The fact that the man standing next to him is a New Zealander does not help; I will demonstrate with this simple mathematical formula. Kiwi man + lush green turf = sheep + sharing, erm, shearing, erm, never mind.

It is quite clear to me that Tiger, unfortunately, had nowhere to go but down. Let’s look closely at the facts. Insanely wealthy, Winner of multiple golf majors, Beautiful blonde, and blue eyed Swedish wife. The only accomplishment left was to get nailed to a crucifix at Easter and while the world might be ready for the first Black President, I think we have a while to go (approximately another 2000 years) before the first black Christ will be accepted.

Of course the real reason Tiger decided to play the back nine is entirely down to his complete lack of a decent nickname. Let’s face it, “Tiger”, just doesn’t have the same ring as some of the better nicknames, such as, The Great White Shark, Golden Bear, Spaceman, Huckleberry Dillinger. Of course the fact that Tiger was unaware that The Big Easy was already taken by Ernie Els shows yet more poor judgment.

So Tiger, just in case you’re reading here’s a few suggestions. The Rough Hunter, The Stripper’s Pole, or the more obvious, but slightly less commentator friendly “Pussy” Woods. Of course, the one I would go with is simply this. Tiger “I Am An Idiot” Woods. You have to admit, there is a certain ring to it.

Ash - The New Great Plague

I’ve learned something interesting this week. Apparently, despite having flown to the moon, mankind has yet to figure out a way to fly through dust. Not only do I find this very difficult to believe, I believe this may be biggest conspiracy since JFK and Elvis flew into the World Trade Center.


You might be thinking that no one has anything to gain from this. Well that’s where you are completely wrong and oh so naive.

Right now, in boardrooms all over the world, cigar smoking, brandy swilling airline executives are sitting back in their chairs have a riotous laugh fest! That’s right, it’s time for the semi monthly, Association Of Airlines, Let’s Stick It Up Our Passenger’s Rear Ends Party. This is an actual event, I promise. In fact I dare you to try and prove otherwise. If you do, clearly you are either in league with these people or have never flown economy.

Here’s why I know this to be true.

I won’t lie; I have a deep mistrust of scientists, mainly because they are a lot smarter than me and talk with big words that I don’t understand, but asides from my deep seated prejudices, my reasoning is simple. If we can build a giant, 27 kilometer long tunnel under France to find out how the universe was created (By the way, i've always known this, but this finally proves the French actually believe the Universe originated in their ass!), then surely we can figure out how to fly under, over, around or through a dust cloud. The large hadron collider (thank you Mr. Wikipedia) costs approximately 9 billion dollars to build, or in simpler terms, about half the price of 4 hour plane trip; so don’t tell me the airlines can’t afford to do it.

I would also like to point out, that for many, many years we were able to build and design aircraft that were quite capable of dropping nuclear bombs and then fly home in time for dinner. You think, just maybe, those nuclear bombs may have thrown up one or two dust particles, buildings, cows and communists into the air.

Of course, being the creative free thinker that I am, I have in fact, come up with a solution to the problem which will cost very little. In fact I’m so convinced this will change our world forever, I am giving my idea away for free.

Cast your mind back a few years and you may remember mankind’s last great near death experiences. First it was the bird flu and then the swine flu. Since I have not seen any flying pigs recently I am assuming we overcame the impending catastrophe. These little killing machines are tiny, microscopic bugs and apparently all we needed to keep them from entering our bodies was one of those ridiculous looking facemasks.

So here it is.

Add on a pair of trendy sunglasses and we could easily tackle the biggest eruption, snow storm, bird strike, hurricane, locust plague, Naomi Campbell outburst, etc, etc.

So while you are sitting in some godforsaken airport lounge somewhere, cursing Iceland for existing and for giving us Bjork, you may as well walk up to the check in counter, demand to see Mr. Branson, grab him by the beard and tell them the problem is solved!

Global Warming - The Descent To Hell Or The Worlds BIggest Water Park

Apparently good ole planet earth is not looking so hot. In fact she is starting to look a bit like a crack whore on a Sunday morning. Bedraggled, dishevelled and in desperate need of a hit .

It's bad news for those of us with water front properties and even worse news for the solace seeking mountain folk of the world who are about to be overrun by property developers. Ah yes, I can see it now, Trump Towers Everest, with glorious 360 degree views of the sparkling ocean and the worlds steepest back nine.

From what I gather, Greenpeace, the Worlds scientists and Al Gore are all telling us to change our ways. Easy for them, since Greenpeace are in tight with the whales, the worlds scientists will be on the first space ship out of here and Al Gore will simply become a large floating land mass. Personally, I say bring it on. I'm sick of the cold, I hate driving an hour to the beach and with Israel and much of the middle east under water, we will finally have peace on earth.

Of course, I am a realist and there are a few downsides to the rise in temperature and the worlds oceans. Unfortunately the ocean is not our friend. There are things in it that want to eat us and we tend to drown quite easily. Even more concerning though are the jet skiers. Jet skiers are mean and inconsiderate, so just wait until we have nowhere to go to get away from them. I've seen Waterworld, it's not a nice thought and quite frankly relying on Keven Costner these days is a waste of my valuable time.

But never fear, I have a plan! It's cunning, it's inexpensive and, without tooting my own horn too much, it's sheer brilliance wrapped up in a shiny parcel.

Old people. Lots of them. Go to any seaside community and you will find them in droves, hell Florida alone has over a half of the worlds octogenarians within a well timed heave of the sea shore. Imagine it, huge floating rafts of old people. They won't mind, much, and besides old people generally can't fight back, unless you count that annoying guy on Discovery Channel who was in a Vietnam war movie in the eighties; stay away from the gunnie he knows how to use a gun. The best part of this plan, are the old people around the outside of the raft will be able to scald those annoying jet skiers to their hearts content, with scathing comments such as "I know your mother, wait until she hears about this." and "keep it down, we're trying to sleep.". The only flaw in this plan, is that by the time we need to take to the rafts, I will actually be part of it.

Oh but think of your kids, and your kids kids, and your kids kids kids etc, etc. The planet is for them, it's their future. Oh the humanity. Oh the the horror. Yep, it's the classic liberal argument, do it for the kids. Well I've got news for you folks, I am thinking of the kids. Let's face it, those ungrateful sods are going to put all of us into nursing homes, never visit and send crappy Christmas cards once a year, signed by your "loving" family.

I am not going to turn off my lights, power sucking 200" television set, 5 computers and buy a battery powered mobility scooter masquerading as a car so that they can play Xbox all day and listen to Miley Cyrus. I have worked hard for years and if I want to destroy the planet then I will, so there!

Besides do these kids look unhappy.

Depending on who you talk to, and to be honest, I don't really care, the first water parks were created by a guy named George Millay in the 1970's and I think he was onto something.

So to summarise.

The Earth is going to hell in a hand basket. Don't just sit there and watch idly. Be part of history. Insist on plastic not paper, rev your car unnecessarily while waiting at red lights and this Christmas, make sure you cut down a living tree and buy an extra string of lights just for the heck of it!