Apparently good ole planet earth is not looking so hot. In fact she is starting to look a bit like a crack whore on a Sunday morning. Bedraggled, dishevelled and in desperate need of a hit .
It's bad news for those of us with water front properties and even worse news for the solace seeking mountain folk of the world who are about to be overrun by property developers. Ah yes, I can see it now, Trump Towers Everest, with glorious 360 degree views of the sparkling ocean and the worlds steepest back nine.
From what I gather, Greenpeace, the Worlds scientists and Al Gore are all telling us to change our ways. Easy for them, since Greenpeace are in tight with the whales, the worlds scientists will be on the first space ship out of here and Al Gore will simply become a large floating land mass. Personally, I say bring it on. I'm sick of the cold, I hate driving an hour to the beach and with Israel and much of the middle east under water, we will finally have peace on earth.
Of course, I am a realist and there are a few downsides to the rise in temperature and the worlds oceans. Unfortunately the ocean is not our friend. There are things in it that want to eat us and we tend to drown quite easily. Even more concerning though are the jet skiers. Jet skiers are mean and inconsiderate, so just wait until we have nowhere to go to get away from them. I've seen Waterworld, it's not a nice thought and quite frankly relying on Keven Costner these days is a waste of my valuable time.
But never fear, I have a plan! It's cunning, it's inexpensive and, without tooting my own horn too much, it's sheer brilliance wrapped up in a shiny parcel.
Old people. Lots of them. Go to any seaside community and you will find them in droves, hell Florida alone has over a half of the worlds octogenarians within a well timed heave of the sea shore. Imagine it, huge floating rafts of old people. They won't mind, much, and besides old people generally can't fight back, unless you count that annoying guy on Discovery Channel who was in a Vietnam war movie in the eighties; stay away from the gunnie he knows how to use a gun. The best part of this plan, are the old people around the outside of the raft will be able to scald those annoying jet skiers to their hearts content, with scathing comments such as "I know your mother, wait until she hears about this." and "keep it down, we're trying to sleep.". The only flaw in this plan, is that by the time we need to take to the rafts, I will actually be part of it.
Oh but think of your kids, and your kids kids, and your kids kids kids etc, etc. The planet is for them, it's their future. Oh the humanity. Oh the the horror. Yep, it's the classic liberal argument, do it for the kids. Well I've got news for you folks, I am thinking of the kids. Let's face it, those ungrateful sods are going to put all of us into nursing homes, never visit and send crappy Christmas cards once a year, signed by your "loving" family.
I am not going to turn off my lights, power sucking 200" television set, 5 computers and buy a battery powered mobility scooter masquerading as a car so that they can play Xbox all day and listen to Miley Cyrus. I have worked hard for years and if I want to destroy the planet then I will, so there!
Besides do these kids look unhappy.
Depending on who you talk to, and to be honest, I don't really care, the first water parks were created by a guy named George Millay in the 1970's and I think he was onto something.
So to summarise.
The Earth is going to hell in a hand basket. Don't just sit there and watch idly. Be part of history. Insist on plastic not paper, rev your car unnecessarily while waiting at red lights and this Christmas, make sure you cut down a living tree and buy an extra string of lights just for the heck of it!
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