Ash - The New Great Plague

I’ve learned something interesting this week. Apparently, despite having flown to the moon, mankind has yet to figure out a way to fly through dust. Not only do I find this very difficult to believe, I believe this may be biggest conspiracy since JFK and Elvis flew into the World Trade Center.


You might be thinking that no one has anything to gain from this. Well that’s where you are completely wrong and oh so naive.

Right now, in boardrooms all over the world, cigar smoking, brandy swilling airline executives are sitting back in their chairs have a riotous laugh fest! That’s right, it’s time for the semi monthly, Association Of Airlines, Let’s Stick It Up Our Passenger’s Rear Ends Party. This is an actual event, I promise. In fact I dare you to try and prove otherwise. If you do, clearly you are either in league with these people or have never flown economy.

Here’s why I know this to be true.

I won’t lie; I have a deep mistrust of scientists, mainly because they are a lot smarter than me and talk with big words that I don’t understand, but asides from my deep seated prejudices, my reasoning is simple. If we can build a giant, 27 kilometer long tunnel under France to find out how the universe was created (By the way, i've always known this, but this finally proves the French actually believe the Universe originated in their ass!), then surely we can figure out how to fly under, over, around or through a dust cloud. The large hadron collider (thank you Mr. Wikipedia) costs approximately 9 billion dollars to build, or in simpler terms, about half the price of 4 hour plane trip; so don’t tell me the airlines can’t afford to do it.

I would also like to point out, that for many, many years we were able to build and design aircraft that were quite capable of dropping nuclear bombs and then fly home in time for dinner. You think, just maybe, those nuclear bombs may have thrown up one or two dust particles, buildings, cows and communists into the air.

Of course, being the creative free thinker that I am, I have in fact, come up with a solution to the problem which will cost very little. In fact I’m so convinced this will change our world forever, I am giving my idea away for free.

Cast your mind back a few years and you may remember mankind’s last great near death experiences. First it was the bird flu and then the swine flu. Since I have not seen any flying pigs recently I am assuming we overcame the impending catastrophe. These little killing machines are tiny, microscopic bugs and apparently all we needed to keep them from entering our bodies was one of those ridiculous looking facemasks.

So here it is.

Add on a pair of trendy sunglasses and we could easily tackle the biggest eruption, snow storm, bird strike, hurricane, locust plague, Naomi Campbell outburst, etc, etc.

So while you are sitting in some godforsaken airport lounge somewhere, cursing Iceland for existing and for giving us Bjork, you may as well walk up to the check in counter, demand to see Mr. Branson, grab him by the beard and tell them the problem is solved!