Tiger's Wood (If They Could)

I promised myself I was going to steer clear of the whole Tiger Woods debacle, unfortunately my common sense has let me down, again. I was aiming at being invited to the Wood’s family thanksgiving celebrations this year; however now that any further Wood’s family gatherings are looking decidedly unlikely, I decided to give it my best shot.


I’d like to start off by saying that I don’t blame Tiger entirely for the mess his life has become. Let’s face it, if 50,000 people were screaming at me “Get in the hole” I might just for a second or two interpret that in an entirely inappropriate way. The fact that the man standing next to him is a New Zealander does not help; I will demonstrate with this simple mathematical formula. Kiwi man + lush green turf = sheep + sharing, erm, shearing, erm, never mind.

It is quite clear to me that Tiger, unfortunately, had nowhere to go but down. Let’s look closely at the facts. Insanely wealthy, Winner of multiple golf majors, Beautiful blonde, and blue eyed Swedish wife. The only accomplishment left was to get nailed to a crucifix at Easter and while the world might be ready for the first Black President, I think we have a while to go (approximately another 2000 years) before the first black Christ will be accepted.

Of course the real reason Tiger decided to play the back nine is entirely down to his complete lack of a decent nickname. Let’s face it, “Tiger”, just doesn’t have the same ring as some of the better nicknames, such as, The Great White Shark, Golden Bear, Spaceman, Huckleberry Dillinger. Of course the fact that Tiger was unaware that The Big Easy was already taken by Ernie Els shows yet more poor judgment.

So Tiger, just in case you’re reading here’s a few suggestions. The Rough Hunter, The Stripper’s Pole, or the more obvious, but slightly less commentator friendly “Pussy” Woods. Of course, the one I would go with is simply this. Tiger “I Am An Idiot” Woods. You have to admit, there is a certain ring to it.